Good evening, I’m Margaret Pomerantz …

… film critic and undefeated cage fighter.

… and also Banksy, but don’t tell anyone.

… and I turned down Sharon Stone’s role in Basic Instinct because the nudity wasn’t graphic enough.

… and I know who really killed JFK, but I’m no snitch.

… and the hive of bees once made me their queen.

… and I know for a fact the Irish are faking that silly accent.

… and I eat my meals with two knives because forks are for cowards.

… and I made my fortune by pretending I forgot my wallet.

… if hotels don’t want you eating their soaps, they shouldn’t make them so tasty.

… and I can afford the fine side park wherever I want.

… but if you don’t want me piffing rocks at your child, don’t let them hog the swings.

… and I cannot be killed by conventional weapons.

… and no matter what you hear in coming weeks, it was self-defence.

… and I only wear shoes made from 100% recycled penguin.

… and I’m the one who’s been pinching bits of your garden hose.

… and if I catch you rifling through my garbage again, I’m calling the cops, Darryl Summers.

… and I’ve been made of cake this entire time.