Good evening, America. I am Alan Cumming, your treacherous host for the evening. And also the first person to host Jimmy Kimmel Live who has never actually appeared on the show as a guest. I know, it’s weird, right? Yes, they just… they never asked me. I feel now that I am a bit like… the best man’s speech at a wedding, and I have not been invited to the actual wedding, but I will gladly shag the bridesmaids and the grimsmen. I’ll be here all night.

Now, anyway, America, how are you doing? Now, really, how are you doing? I mean, how are you doing aside from being a country that’s just reintroduced concentration camps, taking health care away from 17 million people to give billionaires a tax cut, and also to finance an armed militia of masked men that commits heinous assorted kidnapping and crimes against humanity on a daily basis? Aside from all that, are you OK? I wouldn’t have thought so.

And talking of masked men, we have the Fantastic Four with us tonight! The Fantastic Four don’t wear masks. Oh, that’s right, yes. The Fantastic Four are not ashamed to show their faces at work because they’re trying to do good in the world.

I think I may be the first person ever to have played Macbeth, Hamlet and Romeo to have hosted this show. I think I must also be the first ever Bond villain to host this show. Yes, I am invincible! And also, because of my appearance in the original series of The L Word many years ago, I am certain that I am the first person to ever host this or actually any late-night talk show who’s been f***ed up by a lesbian with a strap-on.

Now… I know you didn’t hear that at home, America. Read my lips and, er, don’t knock it till you’ve tried it, all right? Ironically, a rim shot. Thank you. Germo knows what I’m talking about, though, don’t you, Germo? Yeah, a little bit, yeah. Just a little bit. Just the tip.

Yes. I split my time between New York City, here in the United States, and Scotland, my homeland. But as the host of The Traitors, which is all about backstabbing and treachery and full of people with plastic surgery, I feel right at home here in Hollywood.

Yes, I am an immigrant from Scotland. Are you scared of me? I am taking an American’s job right now. But don’t worry, according to ICE, I’m one of the good ones. And I’m very proud to be from Scotland. We’ve given the world so much — the bicycle, the telephone, penicillin, television, for goodness sakes. We’re also responsible for half of the current president, as sadly Donald Trump’s mother was Scottish. And that’s probably why, as a nation, we drink so much. Cheers.

Now… tonight’s show is all about superheroes. Not only are the Fantastic Four here, as I said, some of you may remember me as Nightcrawler from the X-Men franchise. Of course, these superhero movies are only pretend, but I happen to believe that there are actual superheroes in real life who walk among us. And these superheroes are called trans people.

Because… just like superheroes, trans people are born with something special and magical about them, and they often have to hide what’s special and magical about them from other people. Like superheroes, they grow up in a society that doesn’t understand them, that makes them the other, and often hates them. Like superheroes, trans people just want the world to be a safer place, and they believe we should protect each other and live our lives in peace.

Like superheroes, evil billionaires want to get rid of trans people for no fucking reason whatsoever. And just like superheroes, trans people are not new. They’ve been around forever, and they’re not going anywhere, no matter how much this administration tries to make you fear them.

There is… there is no evidence that trans people are a threat to women. There is, however, ample evidence that the President of the United States publicly brags about barging into beauty pageants, dressing rooms and grabbing women by their pucks. Wake up, America! Come on!

Millions, millions of Americans are obsessed with this idea that trans people are attacking women in bathrooms. Do you know what trans people do in the bathroom? They poop and they pee. And I’m sure they always wash their hands afterwards.

And why on earth… this is what gets me… why on earth would a rapist go to the bother of pretending to be trans in a country that actually treats rapists better than trans people? Do you think anyone in the Trump administration could actually name two trans people? They’d be like, oh, Caitlyn Jenner, and, you know, the yellow Teletubbie.

And, by the way, you just keep my dog, Lala’s, name out of your filthy fucking hands.

Here in America, the amount of hate crimes against trans people has risen hugely in the last year. And in Los Angeles here, they’re up by 125%. Another surprising statistic — our sitting President is a million percent more likely to be on the Epstein list than any trans person. So… let’s not pretend that we’ve got our eye on the ball when it comes to sexual violence, OK, America?

And how dare this President make random, unfounded accusations of sexual criminality against trans people when he was literally ordered to pay $83 million to a woman who accused him of sexual assault? It’s the pot calling the kettle black after trying to grab its handle in the changing room of a TJ Maxx.

Trans people are far more likely to be victims of sexual assault or violence than be the perpetrators. Now, I know that some of you don’t want to look at trans people, but please, America, at least force yourself to look at the facts.

There is no epidemic of attacks being committed by trans people. But do you know how many people are killed every year by gun violence in this country? Over 46,000. And you’re worried about pronouns? Everyone in this country’s pronouns should be gun and control.

And just… come on, let’s just stop pretending you have a problem with pronouns. I bet you didn’t even know what pronouns were before trans people told you.

Thank you.

To people who repeatedly attack the trans community — why? Why do you care so much? Why are you so upset by what other people do to their bodies in order to be happy? If it’s OK for the Kardashians and Elon Musk, shouldn’t it be OK for trans people? I mean… I can wear a wedding dress on The Traitors and no one bats an eye.

People love The Traitors because it’s camp, it’s theatrical, it is as queer as hell. So is my queerness and foray into non-binary-ness OK because I do it on TV? Is the solution to trans and non-binary people not being accepted that we should let every single one of them host their own competition reality show? Because that could actually happen, because there aren’t that many of them.

There was even a bill proposed a few months ago in Arkansas, that bastion of wokeness, that would have essentially made it illegal to give kids a gender non-conforming haircut. I’m not sure which branch of law enforcement polices this, but if any haircut should be illegal, it’s this. Or this. Or this. Or this. Or this. Or this. Or this. Oh, and also, moisturise, moisturise. And this. And, of course, this. Oh, Jesus Christ.

And talking of Jesus, even as an atheist, I am a big fan of Jesus, I really am. I mean, what’s not to like? A tall, gorgeous man with great abs and flowing hair, getting his feet washed by prostitutes and encouraging people to love their neighbours, all the while slaying in a loose kaftan. And Jesus was an immigrant, by the way, let’s not forget.

Jesus… Jesus would have loved trans people. He changed water into wine. Is that not itself an act of transition? And you know how I know that Jesus would have loved trans people? Because he loved people. He loved all people. And so, of course, he would love trans people and all queer people.

I mean, Jesus was followed around at all times by 12 hot single guys, all of them also sporting kaftans. You do the math. Jesus loved the gays, America. Deal with it.

The… the only thing our current president has in common with Jesus is that they both owe their careers to their dads.

But seriously, just take a moment to imagine what it must feel like to be a trans person in America today. Our government has legislated that trans people do not exist. It is trying to erase them completely. Imagine having to stockpile your essential life-saving medicine because your president might cut off access to it for no other reason than it makes him look strong to his base.

If the government is going to declare that a whole group of people shouldn’t exist, why can’t it be a truly dangerous group of people, like those who take their socks and shoes off on airplanes and then go into the bathrooms? Why can’t it be people who use leaf blowers at unearthly hours of the morning? Why can’t it be unkind people?

Which brings us back… to Jesus, I suppose. Jesus just wanted us all to be kind. That’s all. So, for once, America, I beg you, let’s all really try to give kindness a go. Like my little mum says, it doesn’t cost anything to be kind. And I guarantee that any situation you find yourself in will go better with a little kindness.

Now… speaking of kindness, despite this government’s slashing of funds for all things LGBTQ+, there are a number of great organisations out there still helping the queer and trans community, including The Trevor Project, PFLAG National and Trans Lifeline. Please call them if you need them and support them if you’re able.

Thank you so much for listening. We’ll be right back with the famous, the fabulous, the Fantastic Four.